Posts Tagged ‘self’
Tuesday, August 31st, 2010
Meanwhile, my Self was really having a Self day, it kept dragging me down. It stayed in my mind and kept telling me that the lawyers of my ex boss would never believed in me, they would think that I was a liar and failure who wanted to dig the gold from this lawsuit. They would think that I had the sexual relationship with my ex-boss because I seduced him in order to keep my job. Bla, bla, bla…. The more my Self talked to me that way, the more depressed and discouraged I was. On the way to Philadelphia, while my lawyer was driving, my Self had me reviewing the whole thing I had with my ex-boss.
Having an intimate relationship with my own boss really broke my own rule I had set up for myself. I did not want to have any close relationship in my working place as I did not want to lose my job. I have worked so hard to keep good performance since I came to the US as I knew how important to have a job to survival as a foreigner in this country. I was very cautious and never had any problems with all my former bosses wherever I worked for not until 2004.
Before 2004 I have had a good employer- employee relationship with my ex-boss, everything was business and I should say that I handled it very well. If not so, they would not match my pharmaceutical salary to bring me back to work for them.
Since I began to search for my life purpose, I took more spiritual and metaphysical courses with Margaret/Maitreya in Australia. My ex-boss showed great interest in what I was doing. He became my first student and wanted to know more about what I had learned from these courses. I was also very enthusiastic to share with him about what I have learned as I was also in a state of wow for what I have found for my life.
continued…
Tags: business, failure, job, lawsuit, problems, Relationship, salary, self, sexual relationship
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Sunday, August 29th, 2010
January 3rd of 2006, I said “Good Bye” to Philadelphia and flew to Bellevue, WA to join Margaret and Alan to become Margaret’s personal assistant. I stayed in their house downstairs in the most beautiful and quiet environment. A new life and new beginning began and my life opened a brand new page. I was full of hope and joy for the change and for finally I was able to go towards my true destiny and to work with Spirit closely. After all these struggles in 2005, I felt that I was the luckiest person in the world and that I was so blessed and grateful.
Everything was great and everyday had something new for me to learn in the area of metaphysics. I have enjoyed being with Margaret and Alan as I learned a lot of things on the spiritual level from them on the daily base. I also moved into another level of my spiritual development. Since I found the true purpose of my life, I have been longing for full time working for Spirit. Here my wish has come true. This was a completely different arena from what I was used to for the past 51 years of my life. The dominant logic part of me had to let go and I had to learn to listen to my intuition, not to be too rigid which I used to be and too structured. Old habit died hard. I had so much difficult to change it as this was where my Self had been holding onto. At one time, Margaret told me that Spirit was to shut down my left brain in order for me to learn to listen and develop my intuition which is belonging to the right brain. Because of all the new life and new learning, the pressure I had on the lawsuit was greatly reduced. Therefore, I thought that I should no longer have to deal with it anymore. What an escaper! It turned out that I was totally wrong about it. It was again, that my Self wanted to run away from the lessons and challenge my soul has chosen to go through.
continued…
Tags: change, destiny, environment, intuition, lawsuit, left brain, lesson, life, Margaret, purpose, self, soul, spirit
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Friday, August 20th, 2010
The reading I had with a wonderful healer during the course was that I needed to pay close attention to all the paper work, legal procedure and documents. I thought it was meant to all my tax documents and paper work but the legal matter never crossed my mind so I did not get the true message at all.
Now I could see the message but it was too late. What was done was already done, I could not do anything to change it. Once I realized this I was so upset for what I did and I felt so stupid that I did not get the true message from spirit at all even though they had tried to help me but I was just blind and deaf! I cried for my stupid and even more feared of the lawsuit.
As I was total alone at home and had no body talking to. I was thinking about what was going to happen when all my church friends heard my romance with my boss and the ugly ending story, especially the sexual relationship with him. I became even more ashamed and fearful. I just felt as if I was surrounded by a hug and thick dark cloud. I was almost not able to breathe while I was thinking about it!
I used to be a very private and secret person as I did not trust people easily due to my experiences of betrayal in my childhood. I did not want anything in my personal life become the weapon for others to attack me. But now I could see that by going through the lawsuit I had to expose all my personal life including my sexual life! I had to tolerate people’s gossipy, judgmental and criticize. I would be very vulnerable and helpless as it could be totally out of my control. It would shatter all my ridged and conditioned beliefs and habits which had build up in my life. Oh, Gosh, it was too much to take it! It was far beyond my control!….. My Self kept chatting to me this way and I even did not realize it was my Self talking but thought it was my reality!
continued…
Tags: beliefs, childhood, habits, lawsuit, legal matter, message, personal life, Relationship, self, spirit
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Monday, August 9th, 2010
Step by step, I gradually learned what I should value the most. I have learned to make choice from my heart but not from the external criteria. Finally I have reached this level to clear what has buried in my soul. By going through this process, I have been going through the soul purging, I have to heal my deepest wound and to learn to establish my own inner authority. I have to learn to be truthful to my heart, to stand up for myself, to speak my truth quietly and clearly with love, to do service with a pure heart, without the desire for recognition and reward.
This is a long journey of learning and growing experiences. The process is not easy one. Many nights I could not sleep. Many nights I was woken by pain in my body as the deep buried emotions coming to the surface through my physical body. Many moment I had to face my own darkest part, no matter whether I was scared or not. I can not count how many times I just wanted to run away and nobody could find me. Many times I was so scared by what has been brought out from my deep within and rather not to face it. Many times I had to struggle with my Self to face the deep pain, sadness, depression, anger and hatred. It is too many to be counted.
Thanks to the masters and Spirit for their unconditional love, for not giving me up and for never stop loving me. I slowly moved on with the struggle in each step of my development. At end, I no longer desire for any recognition or power or social status, but just want to serve with an open heart.
I have changed so much in this process, even though for most time in my experiences the change is painful and not easy as I faced the painful past life memories, fought my Self and ego. I gradually have learned to leave the past behind so that I can truly move forward. But one thing I know for sure that I have changed to be a much better soul who has gained so much understanding and the peace with that understanding. As I continue evolving, I am sure my lessons are also unfolding. The learning is also evolving. The growth will also never stop.
Tags: change, ego, experiences, growth, lessons, levels, Life lessons, past life memories, self, soul
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Thursday, July 22nd, 2010
Many years down the road I have developed the habit to do things with no mistake. I always wanted to be the best, not because I wanted to be the best, but because I was afraid if I was not the best, I would be in trouble of survival, nobody would not value me or keep me. If I made mistakes or errors, I could blame myself very badly; I would think the mistake or the error over and over again: How could I let this happen? How stupid I was that I did not pay attention to! Other people would laugh at me now …bla, bla, bla… My mind ran as a wild horse and my Self would imagine all sorts of sceneries how things could be. I could not forgive it for a long time either. Then I would try to justify myself or to find excuses for the mistake or to cover it up before anyone found it. Because of fear, fear of being a failure, fear of being not good enough, fear of being less than others, I was afraid of taking responsibility for mistakes or errors I have made.
This gradually has become a habit and a pattern of me to deal with people, things and situations. As I so used to be this way, I even could not realize any problems or issues I have developed from it. Because I have been dealing with the outside and inside world this way, I habitually also think about others this way too. I would judge others based on my belief. I suspect other people’s good intention or genuine. It is so easy for me to find people’s flaws, fault, problems or shadow part, then, I based on what I found to judge them. The more I did this way, the less I could trust others. The less I could trust others, the few friends I could have. Because of the judgmental and critical, my mind was all the time busy to create conflict, difficult and disharmony between me and others. My mind did not have peace at all! When my mind was not in peace, my whole being was not in peace. I did not realize that I created this reality for myself!
I did not have close friendship because I could not trust anyone. I did not have good relationships because I could not see any good and genuine in others. For so long I have been in denial and self pity for all these happening in my life, I have been struggling and suffering from all its consequences as my soul does not like it at all. I hated myself and I was angry with myself because I saw myself as a ugly, unattractive and unlovable person. And I tried to find the solution from external but no result… Until now, as I raise my consciousness, I finally realize that I can not find any solution externally except looking within as it is all within. Because of this awareness, I am now finally able to see what I need to change!
To be continued….
Tags: error, fear, light, mistake, responsibility, self
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Friday, July 9th, 2010
After we completed our transition to Spiritual world – our true home, we have a thorough rest in the reception area. Then it is time of our life review for our earthly incarnation. The purpose of life review is to self examine what we have learned from our earthly experiences; have we fulfilled our contract for this incarnation? Have we created karma because of our action or reaction to others or the choices we have made? We can not truly move on into spiritual realm until we have done our life review.
When we are on the earth plane, most of us live in the illusion created by the earth plane. Because of the illusion and our SELF – the animal survival part of us, we are so wrapped into the illusion that most of us have forgotten the true purpose of our incarnation and have forgotten that we are body. Mind and Spirit. The soul, the Spirit is the true and eternal part of us. Our true home is not on the earth plane but in the spiritual realm. We think as if the life we have on the earth plane is the only and real life. The people we are connected with are our truly family and the only ones we have, so that we cling to everyone or everything we are close to and we dear to. We can not see that they are all created by our perception and we live in our own hologram! We live in our own illusion!
People we are connected to on the earth plane are not the same family as we have in spirit. They are only souls who are the actors and actress in our play that we set up for ourselves before our incarnation. Their purpose in our life is to assist us to pay our karma; balance our karma; work out any issues or unfinished business; and learn our lessons that we have set up for ourselves so that we can achieve our soul’s growth. At the most, we will be able to free ourselves from the earth plane and end the wheel of reincarnation on the earth plane.
to be continued….
Tags: hall of mirro, Illusion, incarnation, issues, karam, lessons, life, life reviews, purpose, reincarnation, self, soul growth, spirit, unfinished business
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Sunday, June 27th, 2010
The words of longing for deep love, disappointment at myself and heart broken came out from the color pen I was using for drawing. I felt a deep longing for love, deeper level of union with someone special followed by a deep sadness, loneliness and disappointing as if my Self was telling me that no body loved me and I was abandoned by love! A knowing of heart broken was coming up so that I used red pen drew a cross on the pink heart. It was representing a broken heart.
Therefore, the color that followed pink heart was brown. A layer of brown color was surrounded the pink heart. The words followed the brown color were: fear of rejection, not good for anyone, unworthy for love. As I wrote down these words, I started crying and I knew that I had touched the deep buried emotions which had created so much physical and emotional problems recently in me.
As I finished the brown color, a red color started appearing. I used a red color pen drew a red layer around the brown layer, I felt tremendous anger towards to myself for feeling uselessness, incapable of love, stupid and unlovable. I felt the anger was penetrating my heart and its related organs, as well as my lower back, abdomen area, as if the anger had spread to my whole body and poisoned my whole being.
Following the red layer, here came the black energy. I felt as if the anger has built up a wall, wrapped myself inside the wall in order to protect myself from to be hurt and rejected, and from being seen by others for the true me: unloved, needy, vulnerable, incapable and imperfect. The black wall has wrapped all these weak aspects of me in the depth of my heart so that nobody could see for the safety and security of my Self.
The next one following the black layer was a green layer. As I was painting the green color upon the black layer, I felt the envy, jealousy, comparison, competition, fear of allowing others coming into my life, fear of closeness, fear of being taken for grand. I felt insecurity and distrust.
to be continued…
Tags: emotional problem, green, healing, heart, heart broken, love, organs, physical problem, self, union
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Sunday, May 30th, 2010
However, spiritual development is all about facing fear and letting go. I really can not put my two feet in two boats which go to two different directions. Even though my Self wanted to do this way, but the Universe did not allow me to do so. Ironically, my heart also knew that this was not going to work. Therefore, a very situation was created by the Universe that I had to resign my job ( I was forced to resign in a sense). It happened in an unexpected way (I should say that I knew it would happen but naively wished it would not happen and denied to see the truth.) Within a week, I lost my job and closed my house at the same time; the two most important factors for my comfortable life were removed. I had to move to another rent house and to downsize by clearing my clutter. I did not want to go back working anymore since I was pushed out of it as I intuitively knew that if I went back working, it would become much harder to come out of that box again. I was left five months no job, no income, no friends and no direction. I tried to find a place where I could stay and teach, but somehow I only met all the rejections. None of them went through. I was really trapped in my rented town house. Because of my abject fear, I could not communicate with Spirit, my could not hear them either, in my daily meditation, all I did was to say affirmation: Faith, trust, patience and perseverance. During these five months I cried everyday and went through a hug healing crisis.
This was the most difficult time after all those struggles and finally settled down in the US in 10 years. Then it was all gone and left me in nowhere. Yet, this was the best time in my life too as it put me in the process of soul purging and cleanse. I had to face my heart and my Self in the same time. I had to think that what I truly wanted for me as a soul and for my life, secured job and income but very boring and stagnant, or free my heart and my soul, do something new, unknown as an adventure? Honestly, I did not know the exact answer at that time as I did not know what my lessons were at all. But I do know that I wanted to serve: SERVE SPIRIT AND SERVE HUMANITY with my heart, mind and spirit! Because of this desire in my heart, I did not go back to my old profession but choose to stay with no job for five months.
Finally, five months later, I was offered by Margaret and Alan to come to Seattle to help them for the Body, Mind, Spirit Show. Even though it was a temporary job at that time, I was very happy as I know that I wanted to work for spirit full time. Gradually, I was able to join them to set up the Maitreya Seattle Learning and Healing Center in Redmond, WA and to work there full time.
To be continued….
Tags: abject fear, adventure, choices, cleanse, clutter, difficult time, heart, humanity, Maitreya, Margaret, meditation, mind, profession, rejection, self, spirit, stagnant
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Monday, May 24th, 2010
The last step is healing on the Spiritual level- Connecting to our Higher Self within and Having true compassion to oneself and others.
At this stage, we need to face the battle between the Self and Higher Self. The Self part of us will try all its mighty to hold us back to the old way, old pattern and old habit and stop us from becoming the soul we are meant to be. The Self will use our ego to its glory for self recognition, power, reputation, social status, outcomes. In my truth, we believe all of us had a life where we misused our spiritual power and gifts, therefore, we are here in this life to learn to conquer our Self on the spiritual level so that we will not repeat our past mistake.
However, the Self part of us will try to do things its own way, not to listen the guidance from Spirit. The Self will tell us that we are not good enough to do spiritual work, we do not have money, qualification, time or proper training, etc. to stop us from doing what we are destined to do. The Self will use our past lives memory in the area of spiritual development, to prevent us to work with Spirit closely to serve humanity to raise its vibration to higher consciousness and to assist earth change. Especially if we were persecuted in the past life or lives due to our spiritual service or working with spirit, we would have fear, pain, anger or all sorts of emotions in our memory, which could hold us back from connecting to the Spirit and doing the spiritual work. The healing needs to be done on the spiritual level to release all these past life energies and clear them from our soul memory so that we can fully connect to the God force and be of service again.
We are all souls on the journey to achieve soul growth and evolution. At soul level, we all want to connect to God, Divine Spirit or Ultimate Being. We all also have the power and connection with the Divine source and the powerful energy. Once we connect to our Higher Self, we will be able to allow our higher Self take control in our life, let our higher self guide us and lead us, step by step to fulfill our destiny.
Once we are healing ourselves on the spiritual level, we are able to do the service with pure heart, love, acceptance, respect, humility, understanding and compassion, without in the hope of rewards. We will be able to do it with humility and without ego. In this way, we will find try passion, joy and happiness. As Maitreya said: find your passion, you will find your happiness!
In true service: Serve Spirit and Service Humanity, we are able to completely heal ourselves on all levels and make our whole again as a Body, Mind and Spirit.
Tags: body, control, destiny, Energy, evolution, God, happiness, healing, Higher Self, humanity, humility, joy, mind, passion, power, pure love, self, self healing, service, soul growth, spirit, spiritual healing
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Wednesday, May 19th, 2010
Therefore, it is very important and necessary to be aware of our thought patterns and the way we think; be aware of the influence from others, our culture, environment, beliefs, habits, etc. In order to make the energy constantly flow through all of our bodies, we need to think positively, communicate positively, accept positively. Once we are aware of our thought pattern, we can then start to work on change it.
Affirmation can break the negative thought pattern, change the negative energy. The more affirmation we say and repeat, the more we change the energy, eventually it will shift the energy and start manifest things we desire in our life from negative to positive.
Speak our truth quietly and clearly with love is another way to express our thoughts and make the energy flow out of our mental body, not create blocks. If something we can not express to someone, write a letter to that person honestly about what we feel and how we feel to release all in our mind and emotions. Then destroy the letter. We can write many times until we feel the energy we want to express is completely gone, then, write another letter with love, honesty and gentleness, send to that person, or we can talk to that person directly without any negative thought or emotions.
The next step is to pay attention to our emotions, learn to allow our emotions flow instead of repress them and keep them inside of us. Emotions are the root problems of our repeated incarnations. The Self part of us reside in our emotional body, use our emotions from past lives and this life to stop us from moving forward to higher vibration, higher consciousness and move away from earth incarnation.
Fear is the most common negative emotion in our human society. Not only our own individual fear, but the collective fear, is the negative force to trap our whole humanity in the darkness.
to be continued….
Tags: darkness, emotional body, emotions, fear, healing, higher consciousness, Higher vibration, humanity, incarnation, negative force, problem, self, self healing
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