Posts Tagged ‘motivation’

LEARNING LIFE LESSONS ON MAINLY LEVELS – Part 4

Thursday, August 5th, 2010

Of course I did not know this when I was young. I have chosen a very strict and high standard man to be my father so that I will have to deal with the authority issues I have carried in many incarnations. The authority issues are also connected to my value lesson. Through dealing with authority issues I will have to learn what I value the most in my heart.

In the first 48 years of my life, no matter how hard I have tried to be good, my father always said to me that I have not tried hard enough. No matter how much I have achieved in the eyes of the society, my father always said that I could go higher and achieve bigger. When I was a teenager, he always belittled me that I would never ever achieve what he has acheived; I would never be able to get higher position and title than his.

I was never happy and never satisfied with what I was doing because my father was always in my mind. I did not feel that I did things for myself but only for meeting my father’s expectation. Every time when I was relaxed, as soon as I thought about him, I immediately reminded myself that I must try harder. I was very angry at him but I was never able to express my feelings. I told myself that I must study hard and try hard, so that I could achieve something that he would be very proud of me. To beat up my father was the biggest motivation in my first half of my life.

In my youth years, all I wanted was to achieve something bigger and have a title or position higher than his so that he might shut up or be proud of me. I wanted to be very famous so that he could not say anything bad about me anymore. This became my goal and motivation. I became very competitive because I wanted to be the first and the best. I did a lot of things I hated and did not really want to do in my heart. All I wanted was to beat up him!

to be continued..

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SEE THE LIGHT AND GOOD IN EVERYONE – Part 2

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

I used to play a lot with 3 girls who were one grad higher than me but lived in the same family housing area in my father’s working place – Police Department of our city. Unfortunately, one day before the Cultural Revolution, three of them came to me to condemn me as bullying and declared that they terminated their friendship with me because I touched one girl’s breast even though she allowed me to touch it. They did not give me time to explain but just left. I was desperate and ashamed, even today when I thought about them, I can still see their stern face clearly. I really felt that I was abandoned because of my stupid and silly action. I also felt guilt and dirty.

This event has created a deep scar in my relationship with others. Since then, I was afraid of making friends with others, was afraid of expressing myself to others. The Cultural Revolution made everything much worse in me than ever. I not only was afraid of making friends, but also could not trust anyone as I saw so much betrayal and distrust: husband and wife against each other; children against their parents; brother against brother; neighbors against neighbors. I could not find anywhere to be safe and secured. I could not talk to anyone and I did not have anybody talking to either, including my parents. Basically I was a scared and lonely child, I longed for having friends but was so afraid of being rejected, not liked, betrayed and abandoned.

For those years in my childhood, I have learned that I could not trust anyone if I was going to survival. I kept everything inside me and did not share any of my true feelings, thoughts and emotions with anyone. I only showed to people what I felt safe and superficial. I hide myself in a hard shell for survival. In order for me to survive from any situation, I constantly judged people in my mind based on my belief and conditioning so that I could response properly. I worked very hard to be perfect so that nobody would find any faults or mistakes in me  and I could be away from any troubles. I silently judged people’s intention and motivations, and I was always able to find their flaws. This has become my instinct response to anyone or any situation.

To be continued….

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FORGIVENESS – A LETTING GO LETTER TO MY FATHER – Part 9

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

I remembered that I cleaned our apartment everyday, but you spit your saliva all over the room, especially during the night, you coughed and spitted because of your Bronchitis due to long time smoking. I had to clean your saliva all over the room everyday. You seemed not care. You used us like a slave. You never appreciated our work. I was so angry that time and asked you not to spit the saliva everywhere, but you did not listen.

You always abused us with your words. You treated us as a piece of trash. You thought you were smarter and better, you thought none of your children could go beyond your accomplishment.  You told us that none of us would accomplish what you had. Because of what you said again and again, I told myself that I must accomplish more than you had. This became my motivation and I told myself that I must do something that you would be proud of and shut off your mouth.

After many years hard working I finally achieved a high social status, much much higher than what you had at age of 38. I knew you were happy abut that and this became your honor. You told everyone around you about me, but you really did not understand me. I was very disappointed because you wanted me to go higher and to achieve more. Did you care about my soul? Did you any of my struggles and pain in those years? No, you did not. Whenever I needed you as my father and backbone to hold me strongly but you were not there.

I remembered that I developed stealing habit because no matter how much money I earned, we gave all to you but left none for ourselves. I wanted to buy something but could not; I wanted to taste something you had but could not, the harder I got from you, the more I wanted. My self desire was so strong that I started to steal small amount of money from people around. This lasted not long and I was caught. I was very ashamed for what I did. I hoped that you could say something to me, but you and mother did not say anything to me, simply kept silent. I wrote the words:” I am a sinner” on our window with my blood from my cutting finger and hoped that you could say or do something. But you did not. You and mother’s silent almost killed me as I wanted to kill myself many times because of what I did. I needed grief but you did not give me the opportunity. I was only at age of 15.

To be continued….

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