Many years down the road I have developed the habit to do things with no mistake. I always wanted to be the best, not because I wanted to be the best, but because I was afraid if I was not the best, I would be in trouble of survival, nobody would not value me or keep me. If I made mistakes or errors, I could blame myself very badly; I would think the mistake or the error over and over again: How could I let this happen? How stupid I was that I did not pay attention to! Other people would laugh at me now …bla, bla, bla… My mind ran as a wild horse and my Self would imagine all sorts of sceneries how things could be. I could not forgive it for a long time either. Then I would try to justify myself or to find excuses for the mistake or to cover it up before anyone found it. Because of fear, fear of being a failure, fear of being not good enough, fear of being less than others, I was afraid of taking responsibility for mistakes or errors I have made.

This gradually has become a habit and a pattern of me to deal with people, things and situations. As I so used to be this way, I even could not realize any problems or issues I have developed from it. Because I have been dealing with the outside and inside world this way, I habitually also think about others this way too. I would judge others based on my belief. I suspect other people’s good intention or genuine. It is so easy for me to find people’s flaws, fault, problems or shadow part, then, I based on what I found to judge them. The more I did this way, the less I could trust others. The less I could trust others, the few friends I could have. Because of the judgmental and critical, my mind was all the time busy to create conflict, difficult and disharmony between me and others. My mind did not have peace at all! When my mind was not in peace, my whole being was not in peace. I did not realize that I created this reality for myself!

I did not have close friendship because I could not trust anyone. I did not have good relationships because I could not see any good and genuine in others. For so long I have been in denial and self pity for all these happening in my life, I have been struggling and suffering from all its consequences as my soul does not like it at all. I hated myself and I was angry with myself because I saw myself as a ugly, unattractive and unlovable person. And I tried to find the solution from external but no result… Until now, as I raise my consciousness, I finally realize that I can not find any solution externally except looking within as it is all within. Because of this awareness, I am now finally able to see what I need to change!

To be continued….