Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

SEE THE LIGHT AND GOOD IN EVERYONE – Part 2

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

I used to play a lot with 3 girls who were one grad higher than me but lived in the same family housing area in my father’s working place – Police Department of our city. Unfortunately, one day before the Cultural Revolution, three of them came to me to condemn me as bullying and declared that they terminated their friendship with me because I touched one girl’s breast even though she allowed me to touch it. They did not give me time to explain but just left. I was desperate and ashamed, even today when I thought about them, I can still see their stern face clearly. I really felt that I was abandoned because of my stupid and silly action. I also felt guilt and dirty.

This event has created a deep scar in my relationship with others. Since then, I was afraid of making friends with others, was afraid of expressing myself to others. The Cultural Revolution made everything much worse in me than ever. I not only was afraid of making friends, but also could not trust anyone as I saw so much betrayal and distrust: husband and wife against each other; children against their parents; brother against brother; neighbors against neighbors. I could not find anywhere to be safe and secured. I could not talk to anyone and I did not have anybody talking to either, including my parents. Basically I was a scared and lonely child, I longed for having friends but was so afraid of being rejected, not liked, betrayed and abandoned.

For those years in my childhood, I have learned that I could not trust anyone if I was going to survival. I kept everything inside me and did not share any of my true feelings, thoughts and emotions with anyone. I only showed to people what I felt safe and superficial. I hide myself in a hard shell for survival. In order for me to survive from any situation, I constantly judged people in my mind based on my belief and conditioning so that I could response properly. I worked very hard to be perfect so that nobody would find any faults or mistakes in me  and I could be away from any troubles. I silently judged people’s intention and motivations, and I was always able to find their flaws. This has become my instinct response to anyone or any situation.

To be continued….

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DEPRESSION – Part 3

Saturday, July 3rd, 2010

Although I was in darkness and very down while I was going through depression, I was provided with the opportunities by my depression to connect to and work with my shadow side, which has led me to a deeper understanding of myself, my past incarnations, my conditioning, my belief and old habits and patterns. The awareness enabled me to have profound healing and transformation for my own being on all levels and for my life. I start to have better understanding that I can change myself to the soul who I truly am and create a life that I am meant to have.

I have been practicing Inna Segal’s “Releasing depression” self healing: “Place my hands on the part of my body where I feel depression most intensely. In my case, I have severe self doubt, self guilt and self unworthy issues carried from past incarnations, and my second chakra is basically heavily blocked as if there is a rock blocking the energy flow. While I was concentrating myself on the second chakra and placed my hand on my tummy, and then breath into this area for a few moments, while allowing any emotion to rise to the surface with little resistance. Then relax my hands. While I was doing this, I felt my lower back and tummy area was stirred up inside, I started farting and became emotional. I heard myself say,” do I truly believe in myself?!”, as soon as I heard these words, I started crying. I knew that the emotion was coming to the surface.

I allowed myself quietly crying for a while, then I followed Inna’s instruction, “ Divine Healing Spirit, using the orange-red ray of light, please sweep away all depression, disappointment, dullness and helplessness from my system. Assist me to find my way out of this heavy, dreary state and renew my life force energy, so that I can begin to see the brighter side of life, full of joy, laughter and fun. Restore my enthusiasm and thirst for life so that I can contribute to humanity and give back all the kindness and assistance I have been blessed to receive. Thank you. Then I repeat the word “CLEAR” several times until I feel lighter.

After this, I simply visualized the orange-red ray of light moving through my body, mind, emotions and energy field and beginning to clear and dissolve all negative thoughts, words, feelings, memories and images of depression and disappointment. I visualized all the dark energies being washed away into the purple bag from my body system. Once this was done, I in my thought sent the purple bag to the God’s light and witnessed it being transcended to white light.

to be continued…

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CRYING – Part 1

Monday, April 19th, 2010

Since I was a little girl, I was taught not to cry. In our culture those days (I don’t know if this has been already changed in China since I have not been there for 14 years) crying was considered very weak, coward and sterile. If you cried, not only people did not have sympathy for you, but also they were looking down at you with pity and dislike. Therefore, I was not allowed to cry and to show my emotions. Many times when I wanted to cry, I always told myself to stop. Therefore, I swallowed all my tears and pretended I was OK. Gradually, this became a habit that I was very insensitive to other people’s feelings, I did not know how to sympathize people and how to comfort them. I also used this method to culture my daughter. Whenever she cried when she was a child, I would punish her harder until she stopped crying. Because of this, I had created a lot of problems between us. She was very angry at me for what I had done to her; she was also very afraid of me for I was always punishing her for her weakness. Even to these days, she is still very sensitive to the tone of my voice and reacting to whatever she feels about it. Ironically, most time I am even not aware of it myself.

A few days ago, I met a Chinese lady who came to ask me for help as her marriage was breaking. The major reason her husband had was that she was not showing her emotions, so that he felt hopeless about being with her. She loved her husband very much, but she was taught by our culture not to show emotions, not to cry, therefore, even though she did so much for him but never communicated all her inner feelings with him. When he was in deep depression in the past a few years, he could not work. He stayed home with no income, but she took all responsibilities, not only had to work full time, but also looked after him full time. In order for him to be healed, she spent her off work time to search for alternative medicine to help him to  be recovered from his deep depression. She did a lot of things for him out of love, but she never communicated with him about what she had done as well as her feelings and emotions in that difficult period.  As a result, he thought that she was unhappy; she was miserable with him, so he did not want to be with her anymore. This hurts her so much as she could not understand why he can not see what she has done for him and how much love she has for him.

To be continued…

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WHERE WERE THEY FROM? – Part 7

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

By the time I went back to my apartment, I was exhausted physically but better emotionally. I took a shower and was wondering where this anger and those words came from. The man did not do anything to me but why I had so much fear towards him and now it turned to anger and hatred towards him?!

That day was a snowing day. The road was wet and dirty. The traffic was slow and everyone was cautious driving on the road. The whole weather condition created a perfect atmosphere for me to go through my inner process. I was able to think what happened in the morning while I was slowly driving along the lake to our center. The water in the lake was definitely helping me too. My mind kept repeating why I had so much anger and hatred towards this man despite that he was innocent. It was a very slow process unlike my used past life experiences at all. I just felt that I was blocked. But the slow driving enabled me to concentrate on this process.

The vague memories were slowly downloaded into my conscious mind. I had a feeling that this man was responsible for destroying my love relationship in a past life time. But how he did and what he did, it was unclear. I did not have strong emotions either while I was having the vague impression, only a little wet in my eyes. Based on my past experiences of release that I always had strong emotional reaction along with physical symptoms, I doubted the impression I got.

That evening I was with Margaret in her kitchen. I felt that I should let her know the impression I had over this man. So I told her about the vague feeling I got. I noticed that she listened to me carefully and nodded her head as if she was confirming what I got. For me this was very positive signal even though she did not say anything about it and I was still having no idea about the whole thing regarding to this man.

The next morning, I woke up around 3:30 am and decided to get up and to do a meditation to clear my fear of this man. After I said a prayer I started the process of letting go of the man in my meditate state. While I was cutting of the tie from him and sending him back to the Universe, a huge cold energy came out from the lower part of my body, I started coughing and crying badly as the energy came out from my mouth. The emotional volcano finally erupted deep down within me. The whole past life situation started downloading to my consciousness.

To be continued……

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