Posts Tagged ‘fear’
Saturday, September 4th, 2010
As I was sitting in my lawyer’s car and recalling the whole thing, I felt that I was so stupid in the whole thing. I hated myself to get involved in this relationship. I hated myself not to listen to spirit’s message. I hated myself not smart enough to collect all evidence. I hated myself to be so naïve to consider him as a decent and noble man. All the anger and hatred I had inside me towards him were starting coming to the surface. What I did not realize was that the lesson I really needed to learn with him was not to have fear to speak my truth quietly and clearly.
I did not do so from the day one I had relationship with him. I did not tell him how unhappy I was in this relationship. I did not tell him that what I wanted in this relationship. I did not tell him my truth quietly and clearly with love. All I did was allowed my fear taking over. I was afraid of telling the truth so he would be angry with me. I was afraid of exposing our relationship because I was afraid of what people would think about me. I was afraid of telling other people about our relationship as I was afraid of causing damage on his reputation and his career so that people would condemn me. Fear, fear, fear!!!!
It was my fear that finally dragged me into this lawsuit. This is the universal way, if I did not learn what I supposed to learn, Universe would find another way to enable me to learn my lesson, of course, a much harder way. Now I had to go to the deposition to speak my truth in a more embarrassing way. I could not blame anyone but myself. I just felt myself so unbelievably stupid. I wished that I could do better but it was too late to go back.
continued…
Tags: anger, career, fear, lawsuit, lesson, message, Relationship, spirit
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Tuesday, August 24th, 2010
This was the first time I met my big boss and his lawyer in this hearing. During the hearing, I told the truth and the true reason why I had to quit job. This was the first time that my big boss heard the truth and he was shocked. He asked me why I did not tell him. I said to him that I tried to tell him after I received the first warning letter but he did not want to listen, or he listened but he did not hear at that time when I tried to tell him. However, the major reason was my fear, fear of being judged and criticized if I exposed the truth.
Even though my big boss knew the truth, it did not change the situation as he still chose to decline my application for unemployment benefit. So I was not able to collect the benefit. I knew that I might not be meant to get it and I had to let go of it.
After six months waiting for EEOC’s investigation about my complaint, they did not hear anything from my former employer. The waiting time was up so that my lawyer advised me to fill the lawsuit. By then I was officially filling the lawsuit and had the case in the court. I was very nervous and worried about the outcome. However, I knew that I had to do what I must do and I could not run away from it. Each step in the process was taking me great courage to face my fear. Even so, I was still very fearful. Many nights I even could not sleep by simply thinking about it.
So much emotion was stirred up during the waiting period. I looked back the few months dating time with my ex-boss, I now could see the situation much clearer. Because I could see the situation much clearer, I regretted so many things that I should do but I did not do or did not pay attention to.
continued…
Tags: boss, complaint, courage, emotion, employer, fear, investigation, lawsuit, situation, waiting period
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Thursday, August 19th, 2010
But deep down inside me I knew that Margaret was right and I must do it if I wanted to completely break the karmic tie between us and to become the soul I was meant to be. After all, despite of my abject fear, I decided to take Margaret’s advice to file the lawsuit in order to assist my boss free him from this ingrained past life energy.
Two days later I went back home and started to find a lawyer who could help me. I looked phone book and left my message to two law offices in our area. In two days I did not hear from either of them. During these two days waiting time, I was alone in my rented townhouse and thought about the whole situation. I even more convinced myself that it would be very difficult for me to win the case as I did not collect any evidence and did not follow any human resource procedure during the whole thing after I broke up with my boss. As I looked back and suddenly realized that I did not listen to the message Spirit tried to give me during my brotherhood course period. The funky reaction and angry words my boss said to me on the way to airport while he drove me to catch up the flight to New Zealand for the Brotherhood course; I was very upset by his very rude words and reaction. While I was alone at the airport, I cried and cried, and tried to justify myself that what my boss accused me was not true.
On the first day of our Brotherhood course, the master explained that they (Spirit) talked to me like that through my boss. The Master explained to me that the reason they did so was that my boss had so much anger inside him and he could not tolerate my rejection to him. Now I could see there was a message the Master delivered that my boss could be very nasty and angry towards me if I broke up with him.
continued…
Tags: airport, anger, brotherhood, evidence, fear, lawsuit, Margaret, master, message, past life energy, rejection, soul, spirit
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Wednesday, August 18th, 2010
I was alone and had no job, but I was ok for finally I did something for myself. I thought that I had finished the karma and lessons with my boss. But again I was wrong.
In September of 2005 I came to Seattle to attend the grand opening of Seattle Metaphysical school at Tacoma. I stayed with Alan and Margaret. The following morning after the grand opening, while Alan and I were talking aside their dinning table, Margaret rushed out from shower with a tower wrapped her wet body and said to me that I needed to file a lawsuit against my boss. I was shocked by what she said and thought that I heard her wrong. So I said to her with full confusion on my face: “ what?” and then she said to me again firmly that I needed to file a lawsuit against my boss.
By then I finally got the message that I had to file a lawsuit. Just by thinking about this topic, I could feel my fear all over my whole being. At first I was very fearful as I did not want expose my privacy to public and I did not want people to criticize me. Secondly, I thought that I had finished the karma with my boss by breaking up the relationship with him I no longer needed to do anything with him anymore. Margaret sensed my fear so that she sit down to explain why I needed to file the lawsuit. She explained that my boss was in control mode for many incarnations and could not break from it.
By me to stand up against him through lawsuit, I could help him stop keeping on this pattern which could assist him to change as a soul. Also this was my big lesson I needed to learn in this life time to stand up for my own right as a woman and human being. What I did not know what was ahead of me and how much I could handle. I was so worry about the outcome as I did not expect anything like this to happen so that I did not collect any evidence.
continued…
Tags: Alan, fear, human being, karma, lawsuit, lesson, life, Margaret, message, Metaphysics, people, school, soul
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Tuesday, August 17th, 2010
Since then I worked much harder to improve my performance in the hope that they would change their mind. Unfortunately I was so naïve. No matter how hard I have tried, I still got the second warning letter. In this letter, they put me in 3 months probation and gave me very strict restriction. If I still stayed in my job, I would loss all my self respect as a human being. Till then I realized that nothing would change no matter how hard I had tried. It was not about my performance. It was because I broke the relationship with my boss, he could not stand for being rejected by me; he could not watch me taking control for my own life!
I had quite a few past lives with my boss. In all those lives, he was the dominate one and in total control. I was only his sexual slave and mistress. He had full power over me to do whatever he wanted to do to me. Because of fear I gave my power away to him and allowed him to control me. In this life, I have chosen to take my power back.
By breaking up the relationship with him, it was the first step for me to take my power back. However, he could not bear losing control and his power. Therefore, he used his power to manipulate others to believe in him that my job performance was very poor. He wanted me to beg him to allow me stay and to go back to him. But I did not want to go back to him. I wanted to move on!
Therefore, I made the choice to quit my job. Although I had a very stable and secured job with good income, it was no longer for me. In the same week that I left my job I also sold my house. Within a week I lost my job and my house. I had to find a place to stay and I was officially unemployed. It was August of 2005.
continued….
Tags: choice, cotrol, fear, job, lawsuit, life, move on, past lives, performance, power, Relationship, slave
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Monday, August 16th, 2010
I never thought that I was going to have a lawsuit in my life. I used to be very cautious not to break any laws in order to avoid any trouble in my life after experiencing my father’s arrest event in the Chinese Cultural Revolution. I had carried deep fear over authorities due to my horrible experiences with authority in many incarnations. I tried to stay away from any trouble with government, authority, police and law, etc.
Unfortunately, the Universe knows me much better than I know myself. What I had feared with, the Universe brought to me to face it. It sounds very scary, and going through the process was not easy either, but as I faced my fear, I have learned so much from it and become a better soul.
It was in September of 2005, I just went through a big change in my life. In March that year, I broke up a relationship with my boss. Even though we only had a few months relationship, it was a very intense and emotional charged relationship. In a short period, all the past life energies started to come to the surface, I was emotionally charged by these energies but was not aware of it. I was very angry, sad, depressed and felt as if I was trapped into a hopeless trap. I finally was able to break this relationship and felt free. But 10 days later after the termination of the relationship, I got first warning letter from my big boss ( higher position than the one I had relationship with) for my poor job performance. I knew what the true cause was of this letter but I was so afraid of speaking out the truth. I was afraid of what other people were going to thinking about me if I exposed my sexual relationship with my boss; I was so afraid of being laughed, judged and ridiculed. So I did not say anything but kept it quietly.
continued…
Tags: change, Chinese Cultural Revolution, event, father, fear, job, law, lawsuit, life, performance, Relationship, soul, universe
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Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010
If one needs to know one’s karma, lessons, healing and transformation, one should pay more attention to planets Saturn, Chiron, Pluto and North Node. Saturn is called the planet of the Lord of Karma; the teacher and task master. Where Saturn is in our natal chart, is where we will face our greatest fear, experience the most challenge and delay. It teaches us facing fear, having faith and trust in ourselves and in spirit, learning to have patience, discipline and perseverance. If we have learned our lessons, we will get reward from Saturn in the late stage of our life. However, if we have not learned the lessons, Saturn will find ways to teach us in the hard way. The Saturn return is the time where we can evaluate what we have learned and how much we have learned. (The first Saturn return is around age of 20 – 30. The second Saturn return is around age of 58 – 60).
Pluto is a planet of transformation. Where the Pluto is located in our natal chart, is where we are going to go through the radical change and transformation in that area of our life. In that area of our life, we are going to go through letting the old die and the new be born. We can not hold onto anything that is no longer serve our soul purpose. If we do, the universe will find way to force us to change, sometimes, may bring us to our knees. The change which the Pluto brings into our life is not necessary an easy one, but if we go with the change, we will inevitably transformed to the soul we are destined to be and we will be changed for the betterment of our soul.
Chiron is considered as an asteroid, but it is far more powerful than it seems to be. Chiron is the wounded healer. Where Chiron is located in our natal chart, is where we will face our deepest wound, the wound we have carried for many incarnations, the wound we needs to be healed on a very deep level. If we can heal this deep wound within us, then we can claim our own healing power and help others who may have the same wound as we have to be healed. In this way, we will be at our best service to others because we have been there and done that, so when we serve, we serve with deep understanding and compassion. This is the highest form of our service to others.
to be continued…
Tags: change, Chiron, discipline, faith, fear, karma, Life lessons, natal chart, north node, patience, perseverance, Pluto, Saturn, transformation, trust
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Thursday, July 22nd, 2010
Many years down the road I have developed the habit to do things with no mistake. I always wanted to be the best, not because I wanted to be the best, but because I was afraid if I was not the best, I would be in trouble of survival, nobody would not value me or keep me. If I made mistakes or errors, I could blame myself very badly; I would think the mistake or the error over and over again: How could I let this happen? How stupid I was that I did not pay attention to! Other people would laugh at me now …bla, bla, bla… My mind ran as a wild horse and my Self would imagine all sorts of sceneries how things could be. I could not forgive it for a long time either. Then I would try to justify myself or to find excuses for the mistake or to cover it up before anyone found it. Because of fear, fear of being a failure, fear of being not good enough, fear of being less than others, I was afraid of taking responsibility for mistakes or errors I have made.
This gradually has become a habit and a pattern of me to deal with people, things and situations. As I so used to be this way, I even could not realize any problems or issues I have developed from it. Because I have been dealing with the outside and inside world this way, I habitually also think about others this way too. I would judge others based on my belief. I suspect other people’s good intention or genuine. It is so easy for me to find people’s flaws, fault, problems or shadow part, then, I based on what I found to judge them. The more I did this way, the less I could trust others. The less I could trust others, the few friends I could have. Because of the judgmental and critical, my mind was all the time busy to create conflict, difficult and disharmony between me and others. My mind did not have peace at all! When my mind was not in peace, my whole being was not in peace. I did not realize that I created this reality for myself!
I did not have close friendship because I could not trust anyone. I did not have good relationships because I could not see any good and genuine in others. For so long I have been in denial and self pity for all these happening in my life, I have been struggling and suffering from all its consequences as my soul does not like it at all. I hated myself and I was angry with myself because I saw myself as a ugly, unattractive and unlovable person. And I tried to find the solution from external but no result… Until now, as I raise my consciousness, I finally realize that I can not find any solution externally except looking within as it is all within. Because of this awareness, I am now finally able to see what I need to change!
To be continued….
Tags: error, fear, light, mistake, responsibility, self
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Monday, July 12th, 2010
I remembered that it was February of 2006, we were in Los Angels for body, mind and spirit show. Margaret rushed to find me while I was in ladies’ room and said to me that the master Maitreya asked her to tell me that my father could not forgive himself and put himself in dark area to punish himself. She asked me to talk to my father as only me at that time could have a chance to talk him out of the dark area. She suggested me to do a meditation in that evening and to ask spirit to bring my father to me and to talk to him in that meditation.
That evening, I did prayer and asked Divine Spirit to bring my father to me so that I could talk to him. During the meditation, I could not see my father. All I saw was darkness and void. But I did not stop. I felt that somehow my father was in somewhere in that darkness and listen to me. I talked to the darkness by thought from my heart. I talked to him that I forgave him and I loved him very much. I told him that I wanted him to come out of the darkness, to go back to the spiritual world to learn as much as he can. I told him that he was welcome to come back to my family and to work with me to do the spiritual work together and to serve Spirit and humanity together.
This was a very heart touching moment. I said every word from my heart and I cried from my heart. After that talk, I felt wonderfully peaceful so I knew that my father was OK. Four month later when my daughter came to join me from Philadelphia during her college summer vacation, we had a chance to talk to master Maitreya. I asked master how my father was doing now. Maitreya told us that my father finally made peace with himself. He was studying in the hall of learning in Spirit World to learn tolerance and to prepare his next incarnation. Maitreya also told us that my father could be one of my grandchildren. When I heard this news, I was so happy.
One of our classmates who attended Margaret/Maitreya’s Mediumistic Beginner and Advanced course with us, who had severe kidney problems and who was afraid of death terribly before the courses. However, Margaret/Maitreya helped him release this abject fear, he died before our class was finished. Because of his higher vibration and awareness about spiritual world, his transition to spiritual world was so fast and smoothly. It did not take him much time to adjust himself to be in the spiritual realm.
to be continued….
Tags: classmates, death, Divine Spirit, fear, heart, kidney problem, life reviews, love, Maitreya, Margaret, meditation, mediumistic course, spiritual realm, spiritual world
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Friday, July 2nd, 2010
I am very fortunate because I know what is going on in my life and what has happened to me, so that I just cope with whatever comes out of me. I understand that all these deep buried energies from many of my past incarnations have to come out of my subconscious memory to the surface so that they can be released and cleared. Once they come to the surface, they will no longer have power controlling over me from my subconscious. I will eventually get better and better. One day, when they all are released, there will be nothing in my subconscious, by then, only then, can I truly live a free, joyful and happy life.
As Maitreya said in his newsletter of “DEPRESSION” (Maitreya Newsletter #292):
“What is depression? It is the body’s way of dealing with change, buried emotion, and stress. It is quite normal to be depressed, and when one is depressed one should try to ride it through. The human body is used to having one way of doing things. When change comes, it can create a huge turmoil in the physical body. The same is true with buried emotions. The body has to cope as the emotion comes to the surface. Often there is a need to cry, but this is suppressed because it is not “normal.” The body has periods of time when it is overloaded with stress, but the person feels they are invincible and just keeps pushing themselves. Then one day they have to stop, and the body goes into complete and utter chaos. This also can cause depression because the old way is not being followed. You are in a state of change, but the body does not know how to cope.
When depression comes into your life do not fear it. It is there to make you look at your life and the way you are. Ask Spirit to help you find the answers. If you ask you will find them. Allow whatever is in there to come out, whether emotion (anger, frustration, fear etc.), stress, or just release. Do not fear it, for it is meant to help you cleanse away something that is no longer needed. If drugs are used to help the depression, then also seek the help of someone who can help you find the cause. You can find natural sources to help you also. It is nature’s way of cleansing. Remember that. Maitreya.”
to be continued…
Tags: change, cleansing, depression, energy center, fear, life, Maitreya, memory, release, spirit
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