Posts Tagged ‘conditioning’

SEE THE LIGHT AND GOOD IN EVERYONE – Final Words

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

First of all, I stopped judging or feeling bad about this person and the related work. Secondly, I decided not to take this matter personally but see it move objectively. Then, I asked myself: How could I help? I decided that instead of blaming or criticizing this person, understanding their situation, having sympathy and compassion to them. Therefore, I approached this person and offered my help in a very sincere way. surprised me that this person was far more pleased by my offering to help.

From this event, I have learned that I can make difference and create the positive reality by changing my habit, pattern, belief and conditioning. Anything and anyone in the outside world is only a reflection of my inner world. I can not judge, criticize and blame anyone for what I don’t like. They are only the mirrors for what I need to see and to deal with within me. I am the only one who is responsible for me, my life and my situation. The key to improve my relationships with others is to work on my self from within. Before I judge and criticize, I need to see the good, light and beauty in others. By doing this alone, it will help me be at peace with myself. If I can be at peace with myself, I will have peace with others, with the situation, with the environment.

This awareness is a revolution for me. This is going to change my old habit, belief, conditioning and pattern from my very being which I have carried for so many incarnations. Only by doing so, working on each aspect of me step by step, little by little, can I truly evolve to the soul who I truly am. I know that this will be an on-going process and will not be an easy one either. But with my good intention, patience, discipline, determination and perseverance, I can make the change. I am the only one to be responsible for my life. If I do not do it, nobody will do it for me.

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SEE THE LIGHT AND GOOD IN EVERYONE – Part 4

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

First thing I realize what I need to change is to stop judging and criticizing anyone and anything. Instead of thinking about people or things in a judgmental and critical manner, I need to see the light, good and beauty in everyone I encounter and everything I deal with. Everyone has a heart, a beautiful heart. If I can see this beauty and trust it, I will be able to feel it and be touched by it. This is the first thing for me to do. If I can truly do so, I can be truly kind, soft and gentle.

A few days ago, I thought about something that we should do a few weeks before. But the person who was in charge did not do it because of the very busy schedule. While I was driving, I thought about it, my first response to my thought was blaming and anger because I automatically ran into my old habit and pattern: judgmental and critical. I thought about how they should do but they did not do, how this person never listened to me and never allowed me to help, bla, bla, bla… This triggered me so much anger and hatred. It was very intense so that it shocked me as I did not know where it came from. I vented my anger and hatred, and made conscious choice that I determined not to let the anger and hatred to control over my emotions anymore. Once the anger was vented, I was able to be calm and to look at this situation from within. What should I learn or do in this situation?

While I was thinking, I realized that I used to allow my emotions to take over in the past whenever I thought about things or situations related to this person. I always put myself in a victim position and always blamed this person. But I never thought if I could consider things or situations from this person’s situation, I might have better understanding. As I realized this, I was aware that I have created the uneasy relationship or uneasy cooperative situation because of my judgmental and critical attitude, and because of my conditioning and belief. As I was aware of this pattern, I decided to change it.

To be continued…

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SEE THE LIGHT AND GOOD IN EVERYONE – Part 2

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

I used to play a lot with 3 girls who were one grad higher than me but lived in the same family housing area in my father’s working place – Police Department of our city. Unfortunately, one day before the Cultural Revolution, three of them came to me to condemn me as bullying and declared that they terminated their friendship with me because I touched one girl’s breast even though she allowed me to touch it. They did not give me time to explain but just left. I was desperate and ashamed, even today when I thought about them, I can still see their stern face clearly. I really felt that I was abandoned because of my stupid and silly action. I also felt guilt and dirty.

This event has created a deep scar in my relationship with others. Since then, I was afraid of making friends with others, was afraid of expressing myself to others. The Cultural Revolution made everything much worse in me than ever. I not only was afraid of making friends, but also could not trust anyone as I saw so much betrayal and distrust: husband and wife against each other; children against their parents; brother against brother; neighbors against neighbors. I could not find anywhere to be safe and secured. I could not talk to anyone and I did not have anybody talking to either, including my parents. Basically I was a scared and lonely child, I longed for having friends but was so afraid of being rejected, not liked, betrayed and abandoned.

For those years in my childhood, I have learned that I could not trust anyone if I was going to survival. I kept everything inside me and did not share any of my true feelings, thoughts and emotions with anyone. I only showed to people what I felt safe and superficial. I hide myself in a hard shell for survival. In order for me to survive from any situation, I constantly judged people in my mind based on my belief and conditioning so that I could response properly. I worked very hard to be perfect so that nobody would find any faults or mistakes in me  and I could be away from any troubles. I silently judged people’s intention and motivations, and I was always able to find their flaws. This has become my instinct response to anyone or any situation.

To be continued….

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DEPRESSION – Part 3

Saturday, July 3rd, 2010

Although I was in darkness and very down while I was going through depression, I was provided with the opportunities by my depression to connect to and work with my shadow side, which has led me to a deeper understanding of myself, my past incarnations, my conditioning, my belief and old habits and patterns. The awareness enabled me to have profound healing and transformation for my own being on all levels and for my life. I start to have better understanding that I can change myself to the soul who I truly am and create a life that I am meant to have.

I have been practicing Inna Segal’s “Releasing depression” self healing: “Place my hands on the part of my body where I feel depression most intensely. In my case, I have severe self doubt, self guilt and self unworthy issues carried from past incarnations, and my second chakra is basically heavily blocked as if there is a rock blocking the energy flow. While I was concentrating myself on the second chakra and placed my hand on my tummy, and then breath into this area for a few moments, while allowing any emotion to rise to the surface with little resistance. Then relax my hands. While I was doing this, I felt my lower back and tummy area was stirred up inside, I started farting and became emotional. I heard myself say,” do I truly believe in myself?!”, as soon as I heard these words, I started crying. I knew that the emotion was coming to the surface.

I allowed myself quietly crying for a while, then I followed Inna’s instruction, “ Divine Healing Spirit, using the orange-red ray of light, please sweep away all depression, disappointment, dullness and helplessness from my system. Assist me to find my way out of this heavy, dreary state and renew my life force energy, so that I can begin to see the brighter side of life, full of joy, laughter and fun. Restore my enthusiasm and thirst for life so that I can contribute to humanity and give back all the kindness and assistance I have been blessed to receive. Thank you. Then I repeat the word “CLEAR” several times until I feel lighter.

After this, I simply visualized the orange-red ray of light moving through my body, mind, emotions and energy field and beginning to clear and dissolve all negative thoughts, words, feelings, memories and images of depression and disappointment. I visualized all the dark energies being washed away into the purple bag from my body system. Once this was done, I in my thought sent the purple bag to the God’s light and witnessed it being transcended to white light.

to be continued…

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PATIENCE – part 2

Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

In Chinese, there is a saying: “Haste makes waste”. It can make everything ‘come to naught’. In order for one to move forward spiritually, faith, trust, patience and perseverance are very important and necessary quality to develop. Having no patience is also where our Self strongly cling to. The Self part of us wants to control everything, not be able to let go something and hold on to nothing. if we have patience, we will have time. If we have time, we will have to sit quietly and look within ourselves. When we look within, we have to deal with the issues and lessons we brought back. This will threaten the Self and it definitely does not like it. Therefore, it will do all it can to keep us busy.

I remember that before I started searching spiritual meaning of my life, I was a very dedicate and devoted Christian. My life was very much settled and stable. Life become routine: stable job, high income, having fulfilled America Dream ( car, house , secured job and savings in bank) and having Jesus, the Christ, saved me (LOL), so I should not worry about anything, I should be very contented. Unfortunately, this was not so.

Because of conditioning and fear, I did not have many friends. All friends I had were Chinese and Church friends. My social life was very little and limited. I had plenty of time to do my own things at home. But I was afraid of being alone, so I kept myself busy and fully occupied: evenings going to Church prayer meeting, Friday evenings Bible Study, Saturdays Fellowship or retreat, Sundays Workshop. I was very busy and active. I acted as if I was very useful and active, but I was actually very insecure and lonely. If there was a day no activity, I was in panic and fear. I was waiting for phone calls from Church friends to make me feel the connection and being needed by others. If there was no phone call coming in, I would make phone calls to church friends. Sometimes, I had to make conversation. If I was totally alone and had nothing to do, I could feel my fear!

To be continued….

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KARMA AND LESSONS – Final

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

In many past lives I based my value on objects and situations related to things or people outside of myself. I value my worth on my possessions (or lack thereof), on my personal status (or lack thereof) and on the opinions of others. My big lesson in this lifetime is to understand and believe that these things do not matter and that I do not have to have the approval of anyone or anything to be happy and loved.  I do not need permission to be who I am. In other words I am here to learn and to build the true value system in my life and my existence as a soul.

Because my values were built on material possessions and personal status in the past, I allowed my ego for recognition and power taking in control. Once I was aware of this, I was able to see the energy and motivation behind the way I did things. This awareness is really liberating my soul. This is the lesson I need to learn. I need to make the breakthrough from the old programs and conditionings I have carried for ages if I want to evolve to be a soul who I truly am. Even though I can pay my karma through my teaching and helping others, but if I am not aware of my past patterns and what I need to learn from it, I can still create karma anytime in the course of life. Only when I truly have learned my lessons, can I break the karmic patterns, clear the old program and conditioning in my soul, and then, only then will I  be able to truly change.

This is a big awareness. Now I have a goal to work on: building my true value system on serving others with humility and unconditional love, do everything from my open heart but without the ego. I know that this will not be a short task but a journey of my soul’s evolution. With faith, trust, patience and perseverance, I am going to make change and I will change.

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MY SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT – Final

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Learning to control each subtle body is learning to allowing our Higher Self taking control of our life. We need to be aware of the SELF part of us and to face the battle between the Self and Higher Self. There are two parts of our Being, SELF and HIGHER SELF. Our Self is the animal part of us, connect to our survival instinct, which hold us in the lower and dense vibration. Our earthly activities are mostly controlled by our Self until we raise our vibration, then, only then can we be aware of it and begin to deal with it. By doing so we can gradually let our Higher Self in and take in charge of our life

The Self primarily stays in our physical body but after thousands years survival, this part has evolved to be able to penetrate our mental, emotional and spiritual body. It is like the computer virus which can stop our Higher Self’s work. It can use our mental body to control our thought form, thinking pattern and process which made our mind restless and could not focus on manifesting the most important things in our life; it can use our emotional body to create all the dramas in our life, so that we attach to these emotions, moaning and groaning, and not be able to move forward to our true destiny; It can also use our conditioning, culture background, beliefs and habits to hold us from opening to new and accepting change, and to connect to the universe, the divine source and the world of spirit; It prevents us to see the big picture and the true meaning of our life and our existence on the Earth plane.

Spiritual development is a process of facing our Self and not allowing it to control our life and ourselves anymore and connecting to our higher self and allowing our higher self to take control. This means that we have to face our deepest fear, our own darkness, and embrace them with great compassion and unconditional love; we have to heal our deepest wound with self love, self respect and self acceptance; and we have to let go all that our Self hold on to, take full responsibility for our own choices but blaming no one and nothing, see everything we experience is just our learning and growing opportunity and move beyond the illusion.

Spiritual development is a life long journey and process but not a destination. The growth lies in every moment when we begin to embrace whatever life bring to us. For me, the reward will be becoming one with the Universe, a peace passes all understanding and no longer need to come back to the earth plane for incarnation. Like the president of South Africa, Nelsen Mandela, said:  I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul. If we all can do what he has done in our own unique way, we all can become our own master of our own life and our own destiny. By changing ourselves, together, we will change the world and bring the true hope to humanity.

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LEARNING EXPERIENCE OF LETTING GO AND FACING FEAR – Part 15

Monday, November 9th, 2009

Two days later when my official boss visited our lab, he and D had a meeting with me for discussing my articles which would publish on our professional journal. After we finished our discussion about my articles, my official boss asked me if I read the warning letter. I answered yes. Then I expressed my feeling to them that what they said in the letter was not true. I asked them to give me evidence about my poor performance, they did not response. They told me that they just wanted me back to normal. I told them I was normal and asked them to give the definition what normal was in their term. I told them that what they did hurt me because I felt I was disrespected and distrusted as they should talk to me first and then they could give me and human resource warning letter if I did not improve. I told them that I disagree with what they said about me in the letter because it is not true. However, because they were my boss, I respected them for what they wanted to say about me. I also gave them a gesture that I would do my best to work with them. I did not realize that I should use this opportunity to stand up to D and to speak my truth to my official boss about what truly happened between me and D. D actually used his power  to manipulate my official boss. I knew it and D knew it. But he used my fear of losing job and to expose my private life to manipulate the situation, and I allowed him doing this because of my fear and conditioning. By not telling the truth I gave my power away and created a more difficult situation in my life, which I did not realize it at all until two months later.

Because I did not tell the truth to my official boss, it gave D the hope that I might come back to his life again just like what I did a few months ago. He called me to his office and asked me to give him an opportunity to have lunch with me and he also asked me if I could give him a right to Philadelphia airport for he was going to have a long distance travel. I said yes because I did not think that terminating our personal relationship should affect our work and friend relationship.

To be continued….

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