Posts Tagged ‘childhood’
Friday, August 20th, 2010
The reading I had with a wonderful healer during the course was that I needed to pay close attention to all the paper work, legal procedure and documents. I thought it was meant to all my tax documents and paper work but the legal matter never crossed my mind so I did not get the true message at all.
Now I could see the message but it was too late. What was done was already done, I could not do anything to change it. Once I realized this I was so upset for what I did and I felt so stupid that I did not get the true message from spirit at all even though they had tried to help me but I was just blind and deaf! I cried for my stupid and even more feared of the lawsuit.
As I was total alone at home and had no body talking to. I was thinking about what was going to happen when all my church friends heard my romance with my boss and the ugly ending story, especially the sexual relationship with him. I became even more ashamed and fearful. I just felt as if I was surrounded by a hug and thick dark cloud. I was almost not able to breathe while I was thinking about it!
I used to be a very private and secret person as I did not trust people easily due to my experiences of betrayal in my childhood. I did not want anything in my personal life become the weapon for others to attack me. But now I could see that by going through the lawsuit I had to expose all my personal life including my sexual life! I had to tolerate people’s gossipy, judgmental and criticize. I would be very vulnerable and helpless as it could be totally out of my control. It would shatter all my ridged and conditioned beliefs and habits which had build up in my life. Oh, Gosh, it was too much to take it! It was far beyond my control!….. My Self kept chatting to me this way and I even did not realize it was my Self talking but thought it was my reality!
continued…
Tags: beliefs, childhood, habits, lawsuit, legal matter, message, personal life, Relationship, self, spirit
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Friday, August 6th, 2010
I never felt close to my father. I never felt that I had a lovely father. All I knew in my youth years was work hard and study hard. I felt so heavy and repressed in my childhood that I could not breath sometimes. Because of that, I did not want to stay close to him so I left my home at age of 17. Since then I hardly went back to my home town to visit my parents. I invited them to come to visit me, in this way, under my roof, my father could not say anything about me as much as he wanted when he was at his own home.
I did not spend one day for myself but just tried very hard to achieve something in my career or my social status. Finally, at the age of 38, I earned a permanent researcher title which was the equivalent to the full time professor. It was a title and position so many people strived for in their whole life. It was a symbol for ones’ great achievement in ones career. I earned it at age of 38. Because of that I became famous overnight; I was the role model of young scientists in our academy. I was on national newspapers and my title and position was much higher than my father’s! My father was very happy about this. He collected all news papers which reported my story. Unfortunately, I was not happy. I worked so hard to get to the top but I was so disappointed because I realized that it did not fill my empty heart, a heart longing for true love; that it did not make me happy because I was still lonely. People did not know me, people respected me not for who I truly was but for my achievement, for my status and the power my position gave me.
Even though I held a position and title so many people strive to have it, I was sad, depressed and lonely. It did not bring me joy and happiness; it did not make me feel fulfillment. It did bring the security and stability into my material life but not give anything to my soul. I hated it in my heart, but I could not give it up as if I did so, people would definitely think I was crazy and nuts. The director of our institute said that to me on the phone when I decided to stay in the US. She made a long distance call and told me that I was mental sick and I was crazy. She said to me that she could not understand why I gave up everything I had in China. The only reason she could think about was that I was crazy and abnormal!
to be continued….
Tags: childhood, father, happiness, home, levels, Life lessons, material life, parents, social status, soul, stability
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Wednesday, July 21st, 2010
I used to play a lot with 3 girls who were one grad higher than me but lived in the same family housing area in my father’s working place – Police Department of our city. Unfortunately, one day before the Cultural Revolution, three of them came to me to condemn me as bullying and declared that they terminated their friendship with me because I touched one girl’s breast even though she allowed me to touch it. They did not give me time to explain but just left. I was desperate and ashamed, even today when I thought about them, I can still see their stern face clearly. I really felt that I was abandoned because of my stupid and silly action. I also felt guilt and dirty.
This event has created a deep scar in my relationship with others. Since then, I was afraid of making friends with others, was afraid of expressing myself to others. The Cultural Revolution made everything much worse in me than ever. I not only was afraid of making friends, but also could not trust anyone as I saw so much betrayal and distrust: husband and wife against each other; children against their parents; brother against brother; neighbors against neighbors. I could not find anywhere to be safe and secured. I could not talk to anyone and I did not have anybody talking to either, including my parents. Basically I was a scared and lonely child, I longed for having friends but was so afraid of being rejected, not liked, betrayed and abandoned.
For those years in my childhood, I have learned that I could not trust anyone if I was going to survival. I kept everything inside me and did not share any of my true feelings, thoughts and emotions with anyone. I only showed to people what I felt safe and superficial. I hide myself in a hard shell for survival. In order for me to survive from any situation, I constantly judged people in my mind based on my belief and conditioning so that I could response properly. I worked very hard to be perfect so that nobody would find any faults or mistakes in me and I could be away from any troubles. I silently judged people’s intention and motivations, and I was always able to find their flaws. This has become my instinct response to anyone or any situation.
To be continued….
Tags: childhood, conditioning, emotions, feelings, good, intention, light, mistakes, motivation, situation, Thought, troubles
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Sunday, May 9th, 2010
As time went by and I was raising my vibration, this past life energy started coming to the surface, I was finally able to get connected to this past life energy. It turned out that Margaret and Maitreya was absolutely right. It was a big past life and very dramatic and traumatized. Because it was too painful and fearful, my SELF basically blocked it so that I could not connect to it. It took me three years to work through this energy and finally I was able to release it completely.
From this experience, I have learned to pay attention to any past life information given by Spirit through other people. It may not speak to me at that moment, but if I pay attention to it and start to work on it, gradually, it will come to my consciousness fully so that I can release and clear it completely. Therefore, getting past life information from past life readings, working on it through all heal modalities, especially through past life regression, together, they are able to help us to release our past, leave the past behind and move forward to our true destiny.
However, when we carry some past life pattern for so many past lives, it became a very deep and mixed energy with many layers, just like a big onion, we have to peer it layer by layer very patiently, and one step at a time. Especially when it connects to the big lessons we need to learn, it will be an on-going process, definitely can not be down overnight. It requires faith, trust, patience and perseverance. With time and effort, we can eventually remove it and free from it.
Recently, I am helping my daughter release her deep anger which I am part of it and I am responsible for it too. Although I have worked out my part and paid my karma to her, she is still going through releasing her anger towards me which came from our past lives together as well as her childhood in this life.
In the process of her release, I have to learn to let her be her own person, not try to step on her toes even though I may not agree with what she is doing or what she chooses to do. When she is going through her process, she becomes very sensitive and agitated. Whatever I asked her or said to her, she would react aggressively and angrily towards me. At beginning, I was feeling pain in my heart and just could not take her on board. I was hurt by her words. However, since being with Margaret/Maitreya for many years, I understand that nothing happens by accident; that I also understand that she is mirroring something that I need to look within myself.
To be continued….
Tags: accident, anger, childhood, daughter, Energy, faith, heart, life, pain, past life energy, past life pattern, past life regression, patience, perseverance, release, remove, trust
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Friday, March 12th, 2010
Then my mother had to find another job, less political and less important. When she had me, she was only 24, that should be her happy time as she did love my father. However, because she never released any of her emotions, they all buried within her and some of them were inherited to me.
I wonder if these emotions also were inherited to my daughter through me. I won’t be surprised if my daughter will find any of them as I was also unhappy and never released my emotions from my childhood while I was having my daughter!
My mother never talked her family to us, especially her father. She tried to protect her children from being affected by her family background all her life. The only time she talked to me and my old brother was that she came to our village to give my brother his admission letter.
Two years after my brother and I worked in the countryside. Our country started to recruit those “down to the Countryside educated youth” back to city. I was recommended to go back because of my good performance. I did not want to leave my brother alone in the countryside, so that I decided to let him go first. He applied a very good top school with all his hope. But we waited and waited and did not hear anything.
One day, we both just came back from field, we found our mother was waiting for us outside our house. Without our asking, my mother came to us and held my brother and I tightly together and said to us: “ I am sorry, I destroyed your future. I am so sorry.” And then she cried and cried. This was the first time I saw my mother crying in front of us like this as if something deep inside her was broken. Then she explained that my brother was rejected by the top school because of her family background. Up to this moment, she then briefly told us what has happened in her family: her father was arrested by communist party and was starved to death in jail.
To be continued….
Tags: background, childhood, countryside, death, emotions, father, jail, school
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Friday, February 5th, 2010
When I left our home, I just felt a heavy stone being removed from my heart. Could you imagine how heavy life I had experienced before age of 17 with you? But even though I left our home town, the belief and conditioning I had formed in my childhood still hunt on me and prevented me from opening my heart and enjoying life as it should be. Your influence was still affecting me.
own land. Every week, my brother and I took turn to take train in the middle night to go back city to give you the fresh vegetables and early morning we took train back to our village to catch up the field work. Because of our hard working, we earned not only our whole year rations but also having cash. But we did not keep one penny for us, we gave all of cash to you! You just wanted and wanted from us. What had you given us back? nothing, except all the shame and troubles.
I remembered that because of my performance, the peasants strongly recommended me to become a communist party member. Becoming a party member was a honor or a social status. It was very important for one’s career and future. If one was not a member, one would never have a future. This was the situation in our country at that time period. But because your political background in Cultural Revolution as well as your family background, my membership was delayed and delayed, until one year later, with the great effort of our party branch secretary, I finally was approved to be the member.
When the head of our district interviewed me, he told me what our party branch secretary helped me. What he did was he walked 30 miles after field work with his feet to the district governor to tell them how they should approve me as a party member. When I heard this, I was so deeply touched. But this branch secretary did not show off what he did when he talked to me. He stared at my eyes and told me with his heart that party hopes that you become a better steel. I was deeply touched by his soul quality. This was the man I wanted my father to be. He was one who has silently affected my whole life. Whenever I wanted to give up life or give up moving forward, I always remembered his words and hope to me so I had to keep moving forward.
To be continued….
Tags: background, childhood, communist party, cultural revolution, experience, future, heart, heavy stone, home town, influence, peasants, recommendation
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Thursday, February 4th, 2010
When I was in the countryside, my brother and I worked so hard to live our life. While all those city young intellectuals stayed in the city with their parents, my brother and I were working hard with peasants to make our living. We did not have vacation. We planted vegetables in our I did not have childhood at all. Heavy responsibility, poverty ( you caused this because you overspent our money for your own luxury appetite), not peaceful home environment. You never spent time with your five children one night. You never helped us study or do something. Whenever you had time with us, you always scolded us or blamed us for something. You were never satisfied with us. Many time I wondered if you did not like us, why you wanted so many children. If you could not take the responsibility, why you had five children?
In 10 years, my mother gave birth to six children not including the abortion. Because of this, her health went down badly but how much you truly cared about her. She finally did ligation of Fallopian tubes to stop her from pregnant. As I watched her struggling I was affected badly. I did not want many children because I learned from you that if I could not take the responsibility, I should not have the baby, otherwise, I would make their life no quality at all. My mother’s health was destroyed by having so many children and she died from Pancreatitis, Gal Bladder Stones and Renal Failure at age of 60.
In my childhood, I lived so heavy life, too heavy to breath. I was ashamed by having a father like you; I was so angry for what you have put us through and I was so desperately wanting to have a father who could give us his support, his love and caring. But I was so disappointed because I never had it. If it was not my mother, I would never go back to our home again. I used dream to have my own life in a far far away place where nobody knew me and where I could start my own life without your interference. Yes, I left our home town at age of 17 and since then I hardly went back.
To be continued….
Tags: brother, childhood, children, countryside, environment, mother, peasants, poverty, responsibility, vacation, vegetables, young intellectuals
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Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
My mother taught me how to sewing to free her time. We only get one piece of new cloth every year and it was Chinese New Year. All our money was spent by you on buying expensive delicacies to satisfy your stomach. You did not see how my mother tried to keep balance. But no matter how much effort my mother had tried, she still could not stop you borrowing money to buy unnecessary delicacies for yourself. You created debt for our family but you did not care. You drank high quality alcohol and smoke. You did not care if your children had new cloth or school supplies. It did not bother me but you could not bear not having alcohol, cigarettes and delicacies for yourself. All of you and mother’s salary were spent by you and left little for your children.
Our family income was among middle class. Good enough to make a comfortable life for our family at that time. But our family lived a very unbalanced life. We had debt. Because of that, my brother and I had to work since my age of 11 and he was 10. Everyday we had to get up at 5:30 am no matter whatever the weather was, we had to walk to cross the whole city to go to the herb storage to work there whole day and came home when the day was already dark. My brother and I walked two hours each day to make money for the family. We never had vacation or holidays. The money we made only a very small portion you used to buy our school supplies but most of them were used by you. In 2008 when I went back China to visit my brothers and sisters after 13 years, we talked about our childhood. My brother said to me that at that time all he wanted was to have a good shoes when we walked cross the whole city to work. He did not have one and I did not have one. Although we worked hard but we still could not get money from you to buy proper shoes for him. What kind father you were? Did you ever care about your children?!
You were an educated person. You had college education which was very rare in those days in China. But your manner was not compatible with your education. You did not have tolerance and you did not have good manner. Export curses, swearing and spitting everywhere were your habit. I was very embarrassed by you but you did not care. Many times I wished you to be a role model but you were not. Because of this habit, you did not have good relationship with your colleagues, which also affected us, your children. I was afraid of going out with me as I did not know when you were going to call names. When you did, you always raised your voice as if you wanted to make sure people heard you.
To be continued…
Tags: Balance, childhood, children, Chinese New Year, delicacies, family, money, mother, school
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Friday, January 22nd, 2010
When I was around age of 5, my older brother was about three and a half years old. My father as usual was not at home as he was always working and his work was his first priority. My mother was in hospital. Only my brother and I were at home. The whole day we did not eat anything. It was late 1950’s, our country was very poor and no electricity at all. We were still using wood burning stove to cook meals. The stove was big and tall. The wok was made by iron. We were so hungry that I decided to cook for me and my brother. I made great effort to add water into the wok and tried to lit the wood. But no matter how many times I had tried I still could not lit the wood as I was too young to do so. My brother and I were made mess everywhere by the smoke. We were so busy to lit the fire that we forgot our stomach. Finally my mother sneaked out from the hospital as she worried about us. When my mother came home and realized what I was trying to do and found out that I added full water in the wok but only a few grains of rice, she cried. She held me and my brother in her arms and cried. She cooked for us and watched us finishing eating and then went back to hospital. I always remembered this event but I never cried before. As I was going to connect to it this time, I was crying. It also brought me to another event.
During the Cultural Revolution, at my age of 18, my brother was at age of 16, we both were in the countryside to accepting the reeducation from the peasants. We both worked hard while other young people were staying city and did nothing. My brother and I were staying the village to do the farm work together with the farmers. Because of that, I was recommended to go back to school in the big city. I decided to let my brother go back first as I could not leave him alone in the countryside. So he filled the application to a wonderful school and waited for the admission notification. Finally one day, my mother came with the admission letter in her hand. The first word she said to us was: “ I am sorry, I destroyed your future “. Then she held us in her arms and began to cry. She explained to us that in order to go to the higher rank school, we need to have very clean and strong political background.
To be continued…
Tags: childhood, cultural revolution, electricity, father, political background, school, village
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Thursday, January 21st, 2010
However, the day before the Solar Eclipse, I had a chance to talk to a friend. During the conversation, the friend mentioned something I did not know and also to my surprise as they talked about me. This stirred up my deepest wounds and emotions. All the old memories from my childhood and from past lives, being gossiped, betrayed and not being accepted by others all coming into play. I cried and badly coughed to let the energy out of my body all the way back home. I could not stop crying the whole night. I felt deep sadness, loneliness and isolation. My Self wanted me to run away but my Higher Self knew there is a higher purpose and big picture for the situation I was in as nothing happens by accident! Therefore, when I tried to calm myself down, I could see that I needed to clear the deep layers of emotions from within.
In the morning around 3 am, I woke up. I lay in bed with my eyes closed. I went into my childhood to clear every aspect of my life. I always consider that our childhood experiences are the windows for us to get into our past life issues we brought back to deal with as the past lives’s issues buried too deep within us to touch. We brought the major issues we want to address in this life time to our consciousness by experiencing them through our childhood so that we can deal with them one by one. By clearing our childhood stuff, we are able to connect to our past lives so that we are able to address them one by one too.
I began from an event happened around my age of 5. I brought each small event as I could remember to my conscious to do healing on them so that I can truly let go of them. Surprised me that I could not believe that I still have had so much emotions in each event!
To be continued….
Tags: childhood, conversation, deepest wounds, emotions, Energy, past life issues, past lives, solar eclipse
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